How about a bubble test for politicians? I mean since they are so accurate and insightful — and can be used to determine so much authentic insight into actual professionalism — why not make the people who are making our students student up to the scntron have to step up to the scantron sheet themself?

I’ll go easy on the — it’ll be a simple T or F bubble test.

Choose A for True and B for False.

Number 2 pencils only please.

1. Did you fulfill all of your campaign promises in a timely, thorough manner?
T or F?

2. Did you balance the budget?
T or F?

3. Did you have sex with a goat in the bathroom of a travel stop along the highway at 2:00 a.m.?
T or F?

Please add questions to the list as you see fit. I figure a 100 question bubble test should give us just the data we need to determine the effectiveness of our elected leaders.

And we could also devise them for school superintendents, principals, and parents, too. Think of the accountability!!

ETS, watch out… I am gonna take down your empire!!!

To many students, the holiday break of 2009 is long gone. But I have a student who will never forget it. That’s because his uncle strangled his aunt to death — and then shot himself in the head in a murder suicide — with his nephew, my ninth grader, in the next room.

And yes, my student heard the whole thing.

Of course I am setting my goal to do all the humanistic work I can to make sure this kid, well… doesn’t go off the deep end. But how his story will play out is a great unknown right now.

And yet, how will my work with him be measured this year? By the standardized test scores he delivers on the bubble tests we administer to probe his aptitudes and capacities.

Really, that’s it. What are his test scores?

Fair to him? Naw.
Fair to judge me as a teacher by his scores? Naw. And yet, that’s how the district, the county and the state are going to measure my professionalism this year.

Next time you see low test scores and think stinky teachers are to blame for low performance, well… perhaps there’s a human being behind each of those data-driven numbers we offer to the bean counters.

Jobs are gonna be slashed next year as a result of our NCLB probation status. But are the measurements really apples to apples?

A student witness to murder-suicide in the age of NCLB… no excuses, just results.

Let’s be honest… it’s really hard to give a damn about a kid’s grades when a kid doesn’t give a damn themself.

I know I am supposed to be mature, compassionate, professional and perpetually hopeful and encouraging but wow, sometimes it is just so hard when you are being asked to care about the performance of a student at a level that exceeds their own concern. I mean after having just done grades and participating in a school-wide dialogue about “low performing students”, I feel like very few people want to acknowledge a hard truth about being a teacher in this day and age.

We are being asked to care at a level that exceeds the caring shown by 1) the student themself and 2) a host of “other” adults in many of these students’ lives.

I think we all know what I mean when I say that it’s supremely challenging to care about a kid’s grade when they themselves couldn’t give a flying fudgesicle about their own academic performance. This aspect of our job is almost self-explanatory.

But who else is supposed to care… besides me?

To the administrators and the district, every F I give is more a piece of data than it is a real kid. Same with the politicians and such. I mean they know there are real faces behind the grades — and they pay lip service to the idea that these are real people — but at the end of the day, they see trends and charts and graphs and data much more than they see real people.

And the way that they are slashing budgets and cutting services and resources and programs and personnel (and on and on and on, geesh, what aren’t they cutting nowadays?) it’s hard for me to buy into the idea that many of these folks really care about kids the way I believe they ought — or care about them more than I do.

What about the parents? (I am not even going to go there right now because it’s a can of worms that I don’t even know how to properly address. Just SO complicated.)

Now some teachers relish giving the F, as if it’s their own little revenge on a semester filled with grief and aggravation. “Ha!” they think. “You may have tortured me, but with this F, I get to throw a wee bit of gunk into your future karma… SO TAKE THAT YOU LITTLE PUNK!”

Other teachers feel sadness about giving an F to a kid that demonstrates no concern for their own academic well-being. They give F’s with a, “This F is gonna cook you in a way that you don’t even realize and I hate to do it but you’ve boxed me in — there’s no other way.”

And then, once you have been doing this long enough, you hear about how as a teacher, you shouldn’t take it home with you. How it is just part of the gig. It’s part and parcel. You learn the Q-TIP principal.

Quit
Taking
It
Personally

Well, I am still waiting for the point in my career when that actually happens. And when it does, isn’t that also a signal it might be time to leave the classroom?

So what is to be done when a student farts in class?

Hey, don’t laugh, this is a serious academic issue.

The way I see it, there are a coupla options.

1) Try to pretend it didn’t happen. Of course, if it’s stinky one, the boys sitting in and around the — let’s pretend I teach in a church — the boys sitting in and around the “pew” are gonna keep disrupting whatever progress you want to make in your lesson with commentary and insights about the aroma.

Of course, when you try to actually teach an ELA lesson on the need to use precise, descriptive, vibrant vocabulary in English class, you get papers back that lay flat and are filled with bland vanilla. But let a kid break wind and all of a sudden, the vocabulary being bandied about the room would make a lovelorn poet from the Romantic era proud of its richness and poignancy.

2) Scold the perpetrator. Now for me, this one would never work. First of all, I am still immature enough to find farts kinda funny so to actually try and castigate a kid would probably result in me cracking a smile in the middle of trying to keep a stern face. (Note: I think there is a fart joke in almost every book of young adult fiction I’ve yet written. And the new books that’ll be out next year, well… let’s just say it doesn’t look like the streak is in any danger of being broken right now.)

3) Pretend nothing actually happened and keep pressing on with the lesson. Probably the best route, when all is said and done, but meta-cognitively, an educator must know that for up to 180 seconds after student cheese-cutting, a teacher shouldn’t relay any truly valuable academic information — or else you will need to make a plan to re-teach it. After all, one good blasting of some backdoor breeze from a kid in class is enough to render even the most diligent of AP kids out of sorts for a while.

I guess the question I, as the teacher, have to really ask myself before I go down the road of condemnation for public flatulence is, to what end am I going to reprimand a student for this stuff? Am I going to send a kid to the Dean? Am I going to give the kid detention? Come on, let’s be honest, the more I keep the main subject of the classroom on student gas, the more tickled the kids are that we are 1) talking about this and 2) not talking about things like appositive phrases. I mean I have boys that would gladly engage in a 20 minute analysis on the type of wind currents able to be generated through the human digestive tract — the tone, the pitch, the pungency, the types of foods best suited to achieve optimum results — and if I were to give fart homework, I have a feeling my some of my most reluctant students would suddenly turn into verifiable scholars.

You want student engagement in the classroom? Try a Socratic Seminar on bottom blasts from the big brown horn. Guaranteed participation from all kinds of kids.

You want to teach vocabulary? Use farts. They’ll never forget the definition of turgidity again.

And not to be sexist, but how come I’ve never once had a freshman interrupt class with the declaration, “Ew, Kimberly farted!”

I get, “Ew, Michael farted!”
I get, “Ew, Joesph farted!”
I get, “Ew, both Michael and Joseph farted!”

But never the girls. Hmmm… worth more investigation.

The Conundrum of Student Farts… in my opinion, it’s an issue that needs more high level discussion.

In addition to doing Professional Development for schools and districts, I also do student assemblies (with my YA author hat on.) And the truth is, while I like doing to adult events, the kids just smoke the grown-ups on the “fun for me” scale… it’s not even close.

Anyway, I did a really cool, very well received student assembly last year at Wilson High School in Long Beach, CA. Essentially, a great teacher over there named Devon Day nudged and nudged me to come, and when I was able to make the schedule work, I did.

The kids were great. The staff was nice. All in all, it was pretty good stuff.

I only mention it because this is the same Wilson High that has been in the news lately… for all the wrong reasons. Tragically, one of their students was fatally shot and killed after their homecoming game. It was front page stuff out this way.

A big theme of mine that day was about choices and trying to advocate for education over violence. As the author of the really popular YA book Homeboyz, a book many of their students just love, I feel it is essential to make sure kids are crystal clear as to why I wrote the book. It’s a cautionary tale, violent and raw and all too real. Studnets, like moths to the flame, are entranced by gangs in this day and age but this stuff ain’t no joke — that’s part of my presentations. Anway, Devon just sent me the following email as her school wrestles with how to move on in the aftermath of this tragedy.

Alan,

Devon

On one hand, I am thrilled that a great teacher like Devon finds my work worthy enough to bring into her own classroom to try and teach and reach her kids. On the other hand, I am sad and empty.

I mean I live under the delusion that when I do free assemblies like the one I did for Devon’s school that it’s because it’s gonna make an impact and kids are gonna get it and things are going to change. Unfortunately, I do not have nearly the power I wish I did to help young people avoid the violence which plagues young America today.

It’s depressing. No matter what I do I know that individually it will never be enough. (I mean, I am working on 4 hours of sleep as I type this right now and my voice is so raw from teaching and speaking I am scared of creating scar tissue on my vocal cords — but I just haven’t had a break for weeks).

And yet still, we forge on. What more can we all do but forge on? Not give in to cynicism and bitterness. Not turn to anger or hate. All I guess we can do is put one foot in front of the other.

My heart goes out to the family and friends of Melody Ross… and to the community of Long Beach Wilson. As adults in this world, we have got to find a way to do better by our kids.

Blame is easy. Solutions are a whole different matter.

This weekend, let’s all remember that bullets just took another young student’s life and no matter how much I think about it, it really just doesn’t make any sense.

Good luck, Wilson High. Hope you know there are people in your corner everywhere even if you do not see them.

The University of California is now mulling charging different rates for different majors. In this article, they cite the example of the engineering student. Because such a kid uses more tangible and costly resources in their field of study, colleges are now mulling the idea of making that student pay more for their schooling. For example, since engineering majors erect 20 foot long concrete canoes using university money for class projects (and the university foots the bill for the raw materials) it costs the school a lot more to educate this student than it would, say, an English major (because that kid pretty much buys all their own books and taps primarily into the university’s brain power to pursue their degree and not their wet cement supply as well as their brain power).

I gotta say, it seems sort of fair to me. I mean when I go out to eat, they don’t charge me the same price for lobster as they do a hot dog. If the “goods” cost more to provide to the customer, the customer almost always is asked to take on the extra burden of price. Besides, people everywhere across this country are used to paying different prices for different things. If anything, I kinda gotta ask, “How come they didn’t start doing this years ago?”

Of course, the question becomes, “Will the more expensive majors see a decline in enrollment?” I am not sure. But I’d speculate that the more expensive majors will typically offer higher paying job prospects as well. Compare the engineer’s average pay to the average philosophy major’s average pay and a cost benefit analysis would most probably show some type of corollary between an “it’ll cost ya more” type of degree to a “it’ll earn ya more” type of profession.

And what about the more popular majors? Shouldn’t they also pay a premium in this land of supply and demand? I mean right now the Toyota Prius, a car that get 48 mpg, sells for above sticker price because so many people want to buy a hybrid car. On the other hand, a Chevy Tahoe, an SUV that gets like 11 mpg, has all sorts of crazy discounts being offered. I mean business majors are more popular than ever — why not charge more for a business degree than a poli sci degree? Supply and demand, right?

So the question becomes, are universities about to charge a la carte prices instead of buffet style admission depending on the major chosen? Seems that way.

One thing that is sure to come is the outrage from the kids that are going to see their tuition raised yet again. It’s like the airline traveller that has to pay for bags.

In times of budget issues people sharpen their pencils. Only question now is, am I entitled to a refund? I’ve never built a cement canoe in my life. Actually, wouldn’t a cement canoe sink? Guess that’s why we need engineering majors in the first place — the only time us English folks often have concerns about canoes is when Huck and Jim are trapped in one with a pair of rapscallions!

Is it just me, or does everyone else, when getting ready to attend a faculty or department meeting, prepare themselves for these stellar events by figuring out what they are going to read just in case the meeting devolves into a complete waste of time?

Is it just me, or does everyone else think that all these face piercings that kids today wear look like they really hurt when initially installed?

Is it just me, or does everyone else think that student desks should be more comfortable considering how long we are asking them to sit their butts down in them?

Is it just me, or do other people have students who feel that homework is an educational option — and if they only turn in 65% of the assignment, these kids feel as if they should get 65% credit. (Well, when they go to McDonalds and order french fries and the container is only 65% full, do they let the fry cook tell them, “Ah dude, that should be cool, right?”)

Is it just me, or do other teachers have what seems to be thousands of students in violation of the dress code every single day?

Is it just me, or does everyone else, think it’s short-sighted and childish that things like voicethread, animoto and other web tools like me.com are blocked from my access by the school district’s firewall as if they are insuring student safety by holding onto archaic internet policies?

Is it just me, or does everyone else feel as if it’d be nice for the local business community to step up and offer some real support to their local schools through internships, professional leaves days for the employees to come speak to us, financial support, and so on?

Is it just me, or does everyone else think that there are a whole lot of things that could use re-thinking this year… but know that they are going to be shelved until next year… where we’ll know we need to re-think them again… but we’ll shelve them again til the year after that cause there is something always more immediately pressing than planning for a better future when it comes to running schools.?

This is interesting… an engineering student (yes, a graduate student in engineering) not understanding the concept of an automatic sliding glass door.

And so he SMASHES THROUGH THE THING HEAD FIRST!!

Now at first, I thought, well, the guy is just an idiot. Except, then I realized, don’t we often try to solve a lot of our problems in schools in much the same manner — especially in the realm of NCLB. I mean when they don’t know the answer, instead of asking the people who might know, pausing, being contemplative, and the such, the powers that be just SMASH RIGHT ON AHEAD figuring that the consequences of having done so will be less formidable that the consequences of NOT having done so.

So on one hand, I see a Pakistani graduate student who is, let’s face it, kind of an idiot. On the other hand, I see an exemplification of educational symbolism in this day and age which drives me bonkers. I mean when I look up and see how we are treating our ELLs, our students with special needs, our children who are dealing with so many socio-emotional issues on the home front (and on and on and on) and witness how we make virtually no accommodations for these students and simply drive home the mantra of Test! Test! Test! well… it’s like smashing our heads through a glass door figuring “Hey, I gotta get out of this building, don’t I?”

When an A student plummets to an F student, when their attendance drops off a cliff, when their demeanor changes from one of youthful, sunny, brightness to quiet, somber stoicism you just know something is wrong.

Jennie (not her real name) just hit that nail on the head. So, as I always do, I pressed her to find out, “What’s up?”

Turns out she was walking around our school about 2 months ago long after the day had ended, iPod in her ear looking for a private corner to read one of the books for my class (the irony of that it was the book Speak is just too thick) when 3 boys — she is not even sure if they went to this school — tried to rape her.

“Tried” she said. (Yep, it happened on campus — we have a really large facility, lots and lots of nook and crannies.) But she also mentioned she had “surgery” a few minutes later in her disjointed description so a part of me fears that they were successful. Details were convoluted to say the least and I am not going to go deeply into them because really, what the F*&% difference does it make? A young girl, a student of mine, was violated.

Stories like this used to break my back. And they still do but I have matured enough to realize that the pain resides with the student before it does with me and so I recognize that my role is to best serve the needs of Jennie as they stand now and not wallow in the moral implications that events like this have for me, personally, or society at large. And so I did my best to say some very encouraging things, offer all a bunch of resources (counseling, therapists, police, etc…) and so on.

Let me tell you, this girl Jennie would make any parent or teacher proud — and the fact that sexual assault is so prevalent in American society is something that just rips me up. I mean when she told me the story, she did it from a perspective of blaming herself. About how she shouldn’t have been walking around alone long after most folks were off campus, about how she should have known better and so on.

Makes me ashamed. Of my school. Of my city. Of my state. Of my nation. And the thing is, today was a day whereby I started with a ton of pep in my step, a day I was ready to really teach from the rooftops. And now… well how am I supposed to feel?

In so many ways, this incident is not about me and I feel selfish for feeling so hurt. Then again, when something like this happens to any kid, a part of our collective hearts simply sinks.

Some people are already on summer vacation. Some of us are still in the salt mines. Yet no matter where we are, this stuff stings… and when-oh-when will this nuttiness stop.

In Karma I trust. That’s where I take solace. At some point, in some way, at some time, karma… it gets us all. I think this belief is at the core of where I find the strength to go on and not leave the teaching profession. I mean I love teaching, but this stuff kills me.