So how do we create stronger bonds in our schools? I mean relationships are everything, right? Without camaraderie, without trust, without believing truly in the heart, soul, and good intentions of the people for whom we work, how can a school really be expected to function?

So I have a proposal. I say the only people who should be allowed to work as administrator in public education must pass the test of the wife as seen in this clip.

You wanna be principal of this school? Hold the glass, hand any teacher who wants a weapon and tell them, “I believe in you as a professional” three times.

Pass this test, you too can be considered “highly qualified” to be a principal or superintendent in America.

I’m working on a new book now. A comedy for YA readers. (Nope, not gonna tell… yet. Everything stays in the lab until it’s ready to be tasted.) So much of the stuff I have written has been “raw, deep, edgy YA grit” that I am dying to flex some other writing muscles and show I am not a one trick pony.

Thematically, I’ve done gangs, immigrants, racism, sports, and on and on.

So I thought to myself, time for erections. (Oops, I just threw open the lab door. Oh well. Teenagers… you gotta be relevant, right?)

Anyway, as I work on this new book, I realize that I still need all the same elements as I do when I write one of my more, “go to the edge” teen books.

*The protagonist has got to be someone about whom I care deeply. (Cause if I don’t care about them, the reader sure won’t.)

*The problem has to be HUGE to them. (Though his erection isn’t… okay, I’ve said enough.)

*They need to have both an overt want and an inner need. And often these two things are diametric opposites of one another. (For example, the overt want of Jerry Maguire is to be the big dog, king fish, take no prisoners agent that represents all the top American athletes so he can live the life of a superstar. His inner need, however, is to become a humble, kind, thoughtful, caring, responsible adult who can show love, commitment and kindness in a dedicated relationship. He wants the vapid limelight. He needs good ol’ fashioned salt-o-the-earth love. Good character, right? And they do battle with one another right in front of our eyes. Tom Cruise plays this type really, really well. Think about Rain Man.)

*Gotta have a rockin’ antagonist. (Blogged about that the other day.)

*Conflict has to grow. Conflict has to rise. Conflict has to saturate every page. CONFLICT HAS TO BE THE DRIVING FORCE OF THE NOVEL. Whether or not it’s a story about conquering the forces of evil or hiding the forces of nature in your pants, CONFLICT drives stories. It’s an inviolable rule of good storytelling and makes me think of something I once heard Steven Spielberg say: figure out what the worst thing possible that can happen to your character is… and then have that thing happen. Then, how they respond will reveal who they really are. (And you thought he was just amusement park rides on the cinematic journey… the guy knows his stuff.)

Of course, there’s much more. Dialogue, voice, tone, setting, subplots, relationships, motivation, background, deus ex machina (avoiding it) and showing, not telling (incorporating it). The toolbox required has many levels and no matter how many books one has written, all of these elements still require attention anew once you crack open the new document on your computer and begin to concoct new tales.

So what makes comedy different for me now? Not much, in my opinion. Not much at all. Other than me recognizing that if I “try” to be funny, it’s a recipe for disaster. You just gotta let the humor come from where it does while staying true to all the requirements of good storytelling. Telling a joke and writing a book are not the same thing. Matter of fact, writing a joke, fah-gett-abow-it! I have no idea how those folks do it. I read 3-5 line funny jokes and am amazed. Joke writing is an art unto itself. For example:

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

‘Why?’ asks the father?

‘The teacher asked ‘How much is 2×3,” I said ’6′, replies RALPHY.

‘But that’s right!’ says his dad.

‘Yeah, but then she asked me ‘How much is 3×2?”

‘What’s the f…… difference?’ asks the father.

‘That’s what I said!’

So clever, right?

At the end of the day, comedy, it’s been said, is tragedy where no one really gets hurt. Wile E. Coyote take about 200 anvils to the head in all those Road Runner cartoons. The Three Stooges pop one another in the eye, head, gut and so on. In Meet the Fockers, Ben Stiller gets absolutely traumatized by his father-in-law to be. And we laugh.

And considering how somber and serious and sober so much of our life can be, it’s really important to turn on the smiles now and then, no? At least that’s how I am measuring the quality of this book: how much fun did I have writing it? (Cause if I am not laughing and loving the writing of this book… who in the world is gonna want to read it? In many ways, authors are always their own first audience.)

And boys who pop woodies in math class — much to their own horror and lack of control — they are audience number 2.

Kind of a big potential crowd though, no?

Hmmm, will digital textbooks simply replace traditional textbooks so that the wheels of these entrenched, corporate behemoth money making machines just keep chugging right along?

Let’s look at 9th grade…

Why would I pay for Romeo and Juliet when the full text of the play is already online free of charge in more places than I can even count?

I wouldn’t.

So then schools like mine will just pay for the accompanying lesson plans, right?

Not so fast.

I mean why pay for lesson plans when there are literally a host of INCREDIBLE lesson plans already online free of charge? I mean the Royal Shakespeare Company is pretty reputable, wouldn’t ya say? And they provide SO MUCH material smoking material it feels like it would be an honor to have them help me in my class.

Then add in the resouces being provided at NCTE or the stuff I can find on websites like WebEnglishTeacher.com and I can do some pretty sweet stuff.

Okay, R&J is covered. So what about The Odyssey?

Check.

I Wandered Lonely As a Cloud?

Check.

The Scarlett Ibis? The Gift of the Magi? The Lady or the Tiger?

Check. Check. Check.

And are there resources for teaching these on the web? And good ones?

CHECK!!!

And do I then get to go back to doing what the state wants me to do, teach to the standards in a way that doesn’t come from one myopic source that attempts to be one-size-fits-all but rather empowers me to PICK and choose materials as I best see them working, as most appropriate to the needs of my individual students as I professionally diagnose their academic needs?

Check.

Indeed, my school used to shop for our entire grocery budget at the textbook supermarket — but now, it’s just looks like we’ll just be taking a banana please… and it better be a darn good one in order to justify the expense otherwise… I’ll just get the rest of our groceries elsewhere.

And look at all the money I’ll have left over in my wallet for other household needs. Wow!

And so, will digital textbooks simply replace traditional textbooks so that the wheels of these entrenched, corporate behemoth money making machines just keep chugging right along?

I wouldn’t bet on it.

P.S. For a really interesting view on textbooks which Jim Burke passed along to me, check out this blog post by Seth Godin.

Another student of mine came back from suspension today.

“Hey Zeke,” I asked. “Tell me, why’d you get suspended?”

“Fighting.”

Zeke is an A student in 1rst period, a good kid. Sure, he dressed like every other kid in California. Wore a hoodie sweatshirt, clothes with some giant brand names on them, baggy pants and an occasional baseball cap. But underneath the clothes (and who among us should ever be judged by our clothes?) was a solid student who wrote well, read all the books I’d assigned, possessed a good work ethic and had a nice, soft-spoken demeanor. Thus my next question.

“You got into a fight?”

“Yeah.”

“Where?”

“Right out in the hall at lunch.”

“Dude, you couldn’t just walk away? You’re smarter than that,” I said.

“Naw, Mr. Alan,” he answered. “See a dude was messin’ with me. Him and his friends. And the dude challenged me to go one-on-one right there.”

“Like I said, just walk away,” I repeated.

“Naw, that ain’t how it is, Mr. Alan. See his boyz said that if I didn’t go one-on-one right there then they’d all jump me.”

“Jump you? When?”

“Whenever they could catch me. In the halls. At lunch. After school. I didn’t have a choice.”

I paused. In a way, it’s true. He didn’t have a choice. I mean coming to an adult to “snitch” on a kid for threatening to beat you up isn’t how problems get solved in the real world for students in America’s schools today. Doing that just seems to make matters worse for kids, not better. Of course, I wish it wasn’t that way, but if Zeke had come to me, could I really protect him? Could security? Could the community? Nope. He knew it and I knew and we all know it. Zeke was a boy faced with a man’s decision: either stand up for yourself in the face of tyranny or live in fear with much worse consequences to be meted out later if ever you get caught in the wrong place at the wrong time.

“Is it squashed?” I asked wondering if the one-on-one fight put an end to it.

“Yep,” he answered. “We went one-on-one, got busted by security, I got suspended, and now it’s over.”

Zeke was back in class working towards keeping up his grades. The other boys, I have no idea. And what did it all start over. I didn’t even ask because really, what did it matter. Some boys just like to fight and pick on the weak.

“All right, just try to keep safe, okay dude,” I said to Zeke.

And then he looked at me and we made eye contact. His face had a simple resolution to it, a resigned, matter of fact, this-is-the-way-it-is for kids like me look. And though he didn’t say it, I knew he was thinking it.

“What else could I have done?”

And when he walked back to his desk, I asked myself, “And what would you do, Mr. Alan, if the tables were turned?” Does a kid like Zeke really have a choice but to fight?

Just another day at the office, right?