“Stay away, Aliens! Stay away!” I say.

This weekend Stephen Hawking talked aliens… and the world perked up its collective ears.

First off, he finds the probability of the existence of “extraterrestrial life forms” to be highly likely. I’ve felt this way for a long time. With so much “out there” how we can we possibly be all alone in the universe? (Heck, we can’t even define the parameters of our universe much less say for sure no other life forms exist.)

And don’t we disprove almost daily (if you watch the evening news) the idea that human beings are the most intelligent form of life in the galaxy?

I am how pathetic of a galaxy are we living in? Goodness, I am hoping that we’re not the tops because if we are, we are eventually going to encounter some real idiot aliens one day.

Idiot aliens would, of course, be gullible enough to come in peace. Not to be a skeptic, but I really feel that would end badly for either one party or the other.

If aliens really came in peace, we’d end up capturing them and studying them and trying to “learn” something from them and then they’d be sad and bummed out that they ever stopped by our planet, sitting in their little sterilized glass cages while our best and brightest tried to dissect them under the auspices of advancing humanity.

It’d be a regular “break your heart to watch” calamity, like watching baby seals get clubbed or something.

“Stay away, Aliens! Stay away!” I say. When we beamed out that Beatles song asking you to come in peace if you ever were to come what we really wanted was you not to, as Stephen Hawking suggests, colonize and enslave us for your own nefarious aims.

But if you are not going to colonize us and enslave us for your own nefarious aims, then heck, we’re probably gonna do that to you.

Like I said, “Stay away, Aliens! Stay way.”

If you know what’s good for you, I say stay away.

(BTW, if you spend too much time on our planet, we’re gonna make you take bubble tests. Fair warning, dudes.)